My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
