They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
