im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
