What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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