if you like me you must not know who I am
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
