i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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