then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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