I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
