How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
