every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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