sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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