this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
