Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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