My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize