i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
