ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
