i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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