I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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