Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
