i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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