How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
