i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Green mimosas i think yes
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
