my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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