Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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