I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
