sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
