she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
