The maid of honor just puked.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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