I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
God, I missed his penis.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
