Got a toothbrush?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
