I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
