Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
