Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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