He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
