We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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