you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I need a beard to bite.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
