im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
