bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
