I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
