oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
