In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
