Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
