I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sorry about my life...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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