I puked a lego.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
