i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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