I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
