Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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