all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
