I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
