so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dignity is for republicans.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
