Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
