Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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