Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
