If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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