i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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