So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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